| Linkman: Jarrow — New Year’s Eve 1911 | 
| Reg: | 
| (Graham) Trouble at mill | 
| Lady Mountback: | 
| (Carol) Oh no — what kind of trouble? | 
| Reg: I don’t know — Mr Wentworth told me to come and say that there was trouble | 
| at the mill, that’s all — I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition | 
| (The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two | 
| junior cardinals. | 
| Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. | 
| Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang) | 
| Ximinez: | 
| (Michael) NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! | 
| Our weapon is suprise… | 
| surprise and fear… fear and surprise… Our two weapons are fear and surprise. | 
| .and ruthless efficiency… Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, | 
| and the ruthless efficiency… and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope… | 
| Amongst our weapons… are fear, surprise, ruth… Amongst our weaponry… | 
| are such elements as fear… I’ll come in again | 
| (Exit and exeunt) | 
| Reg: I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition | 
| (The cardinals burst in) | 
| Ximinez: NOOOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! | 
| Amongst our weaponry are | 
| such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost | 
| fanatical devotion to the Pope, and a night out with the neighbour — Oh erh! | 
| It’s no good, I’m sorry. | 
| Cardinal Biggles — you’ll have to say it | 
| Biggles: | 
| (Terry J) What? | 
| Ximinez: You’ll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are …' | 
| Biggles: I couldn’t say that… | 
| (Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again) | 
| Reg: I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition | 
| (The cardinals enter) | 
| Biggles: Er… Nobody… um… | 
| Ximinez: Expects… | 
| Biggles: Expects… Nobody expects the… um…Spanish…um… | 
| Ximinez: Inquisition | 
| Biggles: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. | 
| In fact, those who do expect — | 
| Ximinez: Our chief weapons is… | 
| Biggles: Our chief weapons is… um…er… | 
| Ximinez: Surprise… | 
| Biggles: Surprise and -- | 
| Ximinez: Stop. | 
| Stop. | 
| Stop there — All right! | 
| All right! | 
| …our chief weapon is | 
| surprise… blah blah blah blah blah. | 
| Now, Cardinal Fang, read the charges | 
| Fang: | 
| (Terry G) One pound for a full sketch, 24 p for a quickie | 
| Ximinez: What will you have? | 
| Lady Mountback: Sketch, please |