Lyrics Argument Song - Monty Python, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin

Argument Song

I’d like to have an argument, please
Certainly, sir.
Have you been here before?
No, this is my first time
I see.
Well, were you thinking of taking a five minute argument or a course?
Well, what’s the cost?
It’s 1 for a five minute argument, but it’s 8 for a course of ten
I think I’ll take the five minutes and see how it progresses
Very well.
Now, Mr. Hayward isn’t free at the moment, nor is Mr. Baker
Here we go, Mr. Maynard, Room 12
Thank you
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Well, I was told outside--
DON’T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
What?!
SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT!
YOUR TYPE REALLY MAKES ME PUKE, YOU PERVERT!
What are you doing?!
I came in here for an argument!
Oh!
I’m sorry, but this is abuse
Oh, that explains it
Yes, you want Room 12A.
Next door
Thank you
Not at all.
(Door shuts) Stupid git
Is the right room for an argument?
I’ve told you once
No, you didn’t
Yes, I did
When?
Just now
No, you didn’t
Yes, I did
No, you didn’t
Excuse me.
Is the five minute argument or the half hour?
Oh, just the five minute
Thank you.
Anyway, I did tell you
No, you most certainly did not
Let’s get one thing straight: I most definitely told you
No, you didn’t
Yes, I did
No, you didn’t
Yes, I did
No, you didn’t
Yes, I did
This isn’t an argument!
Yes, it is
No, it isn’t.
It’s just contradiction
No, it isn’t
Yes, it is.
You just contradicted me
No, I didn’t
Yes, you did
No, no, no
You did just then
That’s ludicrous
Oh, this is futile
No, it isn’t
I came in here for a good argument
No, you didn’t.
You came in here for an argument
Well, argument isn’t the same as contradiction
Can be
No, it can’t
An argument is a collective series of statements intended to establish a
proposition
No, it isn’t
Yes, it is.
It isn’t just contradiction
Look, if I argue with you.
I must take a contrary position
But it isn’t just saying No, it isn’t
Yes, it is
No, it isn’t.
Argument’s an intellectual protest
Contradiction just the automatic opposite of any statement the other person
makes
No, it isn’t
Yes, it is
Not at all
Now, look-- (Bell dings)
Good morning
What?
That’s it.
Good morning
I was just getting interested
I’m sorry, the five minutes is up
That was not five minutes
I’m afraid it was
Oh, no, it wasn’t.
(Argument professional looks around the room)
I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to argue anymore
What?
If you want to go on arguing you’ll have to pay for another five minutes
But that was not five minutes, just now.
(Professional whistles) Oh, come on
If you want to continue arguing, you must pay for another five minutes
Oh, fine.
Here
Thank you
Well?
Well what?
That was not five minutes, just then
I told you, you have to pay
I just paid
No, you didn’t
Yes, I did
No, you didn’t
I don’t want to argue about that
Well, you didn’t pay
Ah, but if I didn’t pay, why are you arguing?
Aha!
Got you
No, you haven’t
Yes, I have.
If you’re arguing, I must have paid
Not necessarily.
I could be arguing in my spare time
Oh, I’ve had enough of this
No, you haven’t
Oh, shut up!