| Napoleon’s a pastry
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| Bismarck is a herring
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| Alexander’s a crème de cacao mixed with rum
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| And Herbie Hoover is a vacuum
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| Columbus is a circle and a day off
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| Pershing is a square, what a pay-off
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| Julius Caesar is just a salad on a shelf
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| So, little brother, get wise to yourself
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| Life’s a bowl and it’s full of cherry pits
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| Play it big and it throws you for a loop
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| That’s the way with fate, comes today, we’re great
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| Comes tomorrow, we’re tomato soup
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| Napoleon’s a pastry
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| Get this under your brow
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| What once useta be a roosta'
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| Is just a dusta' now
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| Napoleon’s a pastry
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| DuBarry is a lipstick
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| Pompadour’s a hairdo
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| Good Queen Mary just floats along from pier to pier
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| Venus De Milo is a pink brassiere
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| Sir Gladstone is a bag, ain’t it shocking?
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| And the mighty Kaiser, just a stocking
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| The Czar of Russia is now a jar of caviar
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| And Cleopatra is a black cigar
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| Yes, my honey lamb, Swift is just a ham
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| Lincoln’s a tunnel, Coolidge is a dam
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| Yes, my noble lads, comes today, we’re fads
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| Comes tomorrow, we are subway ads
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| Homer is just a swat
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| Get this under your brow
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| All these bigwig controversials
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| Are just commercials now
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| Better get your jug of wine
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| And loaf of love
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| Before that final vow
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| Napoleon’s a pastry
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| Caesar is a salad
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| Get it while you’re able |