| Ooooaaaah!
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| Ooooaaaah!
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| Hi.
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| This evening I’ll be reading from a book I just finished
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| and since a lot of it is about the future,
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| I’m going to start more or less on the last page,
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| and tell you about my grandmother.
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| Now, she was a Southern Baptist Holy Ruler
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| and she had a very clear idea about the future,
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| and of how the world would end.
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| — In fire.
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| In fire.
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| — Like in Revelations.
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| Like in Revelations.
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| And when I was ten my grandmother told me the world would end in a year.
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| So I spent the whole year praying and reading the Bible
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| and alienating all my friends and relatives.
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| And finally the big day came.
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| And absolutely nothing happened.
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| Just another day.
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| Ooooaaaah!
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| Now my grandmother was a missionary
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| and she had heard that the largest religion in the world
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| was Buddhism.
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| So she decided to go to Japan to convert Buddhists.
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| — And to inform them about the end of the world.
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| And to inform them about the end of the world.
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| And she didn’t speak Japanese.
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| So she tried to convert them with a combination of hand gestures,
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| sign language and hymns,
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| in English.
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| Ooooaaaah!
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| The Japanese had absolutely no idea what she was trying to get at.
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| And when she got back to the United States
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| she was still talking about the end of the world.
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| And I remember the day she died.
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| She was very excited.
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| She was like a small bird
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| perched on the edge of her bed
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| near the window in the hospital.
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| Waiting to die.
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| And she was wearing these pink nightgowns
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| and combing her hair so she’d look pretty
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| for the big moment when Christ came to get her.
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| Ooooaaaah!
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| And she wasn’t afraid
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| but then, just at the very last minute
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| something happened that changed everything.
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| Because suddenly, at the very last minute
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| she panicked.
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| After a whole life of praying and predicting the end of the world,
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| she panicked.
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| And she panicked because she couldn’t decide
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| whether or not … to wear … a hat.
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| Ooooaaaah!
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| And so when she died
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| she went into the future
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| in a panic
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| with absolutely no idea
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| of what would be next. |