| Ooooaaaah! | 
| Ooooaaaah! | 
| Hi. | 
| This evening I’ll be reading from a book I just finished | 
| and since a lot of it is about the future, | 
| I’m going to start more or less on the last page, | 
| and tell you about my grandmother. | 
| Now, she was a Southern Baptist Holy Ruler | 
| and she had a very clear idea about the future, | 
| and of how the world would end. | 
| — In fire. | 
| In fire. | 
| — Like in Revelations. | 
| Like in Revelations. | 
| And when I was ten my grandmother told me the world would end in a year. | 
| So I spent the whole year praying and reading the Bible | 
| and alienating all my friends and relatives. | 
| And finally the big day came. | 
| And absolutely nothing happened. | 
| Just another day. | 
| Ooooaaaah! | 
| Now my grandmother was a missionary | 
| and she had heard that the largest religion in the world | 
| was Buddhism. | 
| So she decided to go to Japan to convert Buddhists. | 
| — And to inform them about the end of the world. | 
| And to inform them about the end of the world. | 
| And she didn’t speak Japanese. | 
| So she tried to convert them with a combination of hand gestures, | 
| sign language and hymns, | 
| in English. | 
| Ooooaaaah! | 
| The Japanese had absolutely no idea what she was trying to get at. | 
| And when she got back to the United States | 
| she was still talking about the end of the world. | 
| And I remember the day she died. | 
| She was very excited. | 
| She was like a small bird | 
| perched on the edge of her bed | 
| near the window in the hospital. | 
| Waiting to die. | 
| And she was wearing these pink nightgowns | 
| and combing her hair so she’d look pretty | 
| for the big moment when Christ came to get her. | 
| Ooooaaaah! | 
| And she wasn’t afraid | 
| but then, just at the very last minute | 
| something happened that changed everything. | 
| Because suddenly, at the very last minute | 
| she panicked. | 
| After a whole life of praying and predicting the end of the world, | 
| she panicked. | 
| And she panicked because she couldn’t decide | 
| whether or not … to wear … a hat. | 
| Ooooaaaah! | 
| And so when she died | 
| she went into the future | 
| in a panic | 
| with absolutely no idea | 
| of what would be next. |