Lyrics I'm a Real Doctor - Ken Jeong

I'm a Real Doctor

Everyone’s like «Dude, are you really a doctor?»
Yes,
I’m a fully licensed California-boarded doctor, not an acupuncturist,
bitch, don’t hate.
Don’t hate.
Represent, yellow!
Represent, represent, represent!
Kims of comedy!
What Bobby said is true,
I got a day job just like you guys, no different.
We all gotta talk different at work.
I can’t act like this.
We all gotta talk a little more formal, more polite.
«Oh hi, I’m Dr. Jeong.
I’ll be your primary care provider.
Me love you long time"-that kind of thing, right.
And at night, I’m Dr. Ken- «Pimp and hoes yep west saiide!
Where the Asian bitches?
Hehehe.»
Alright?
Totally down with all ethnicities, all the- where are the Latinos?
Latinos?
The cholos and the cholettes.
I’m totally down.
I got a cholo nurse.
How fucken cheap is her HMO when you
have a fucken cholo nurse, you know?
I know he’s cholo, I said «Where do you work?»
He goes «Urgent.
Care.»
I said I get it, I get it.
I get it.
It’s not hard for me to be a doctor, I mean, look at me.
Here’s my interview for med school: «So, Ken,
your GPA is 1.0.
No research.
Anything you can say about yourself?»
«Yeah, I’m Korean.»
«Stop.
Congratulations.
You’re in!»
That’s it.
Small-dick-scholarship, ya know?
The thing I hate about my job is translating for other Asian
patients.
Apparently,
someone has made me the go-to guy to translate for
every Asian motherfucker they will in the hospital, you know?
I tell my boss, «Well sir, I don’t know if you understand, see but I’m
Korean and the family there they’re Vietnamese.
«You know what I’m saying?
Chink, nip, hello?
He doesn’t care.
He goes «Hi, this is Dr. Jeong.
He uh going to speak ASIAN to you.»
Yeah.
«Dr.
Jeong, can you please tell the family sodium potassium carbon
dioxide, choloride and that the chest
x-ray we performed show no PN-PA opathy?»
«EBERYTING — okie dokie.»
So, I’m an Asian doctor.
No big deal being an Asian doctor.
I’ve never seen an Asian vet.
Asian veterinarian?
Not gonna happen.
Fuckin' smart, smart.
Smart.
They’ll eat all their patients.
That’s right I said it,
I don’t give a fuck!
Think outside the box, bitches.
Asian vet, get the fuck outta here.
They’ll go out of business in a second.
«Oh, I’m so sorry.
Your doggie not make it.»
Diagnosis — Delicious.