| No more pretending now, the albatross is dying in its nest | 
| The company is crippling me | 
| The worst trying to ruin the best, the best | 
| Their promotion’s so lame | 
| They could never ever take it to the real ball game | 
| Maybe they think I’m a pet | 
| Well I’ve got all the diseases | 
| I’m breaking out in sweat, you bet, because | 
| I got, Mercury poisoning | 
| It’s fatal and it don’t get better | 
| I got, Mercury poisoning | 
| The best kept secret in the west | 
| The boys and me are getting real well known around town | 
| But every time we try to spread the action | 
| Someone always brings it down, down | 
| I ate the orange and I don’t feel well | 
| For them it’s inconvenience for me it’s hell | 
| The geriatric staff think we’re freaks | 
| They couldn’t sell kebabs to the Greeks, the geeks | 
| Inaction speaks, and | 
| I got, Mercury poisoning | 
| It’s fatal and it don’t get better | 
| I got, Mercury poisoning | 
| The best kept secret in the west | 
| Is this a Russian conspiracy, no it’s just idiocy | 
| Is this a Chinese burn | 
| I gotta a dinosaur for a representative | 
| It’s got a small brain and refuses to learn | 
| Their promotion’s so lame | 
| They could never ever take it to the real ball game | 
| Listen I ain’t a pet | 
| I ain’t a token hipster, in your monopoly set | 
| You bet because | 
| I got, Mercury poisoning | 
| It’s fatal and it don’t get better | 
| I got, Mercury poisoning | 
| The best kept secret in the west | 
| He’s got, Mercury poisoning | 
| It’s fatal and it don’t get better | 
| He’s got, Mercury poisoning | 
| The best kept secret in the west | 
| Yeah the best kept secret in the west The best kept secret in the west |