Lyrics Comdey Skit - George Burns, Gracie Allen

Comdey Skit

May I take your order now sir?
Our special today is fresh Surf & Turf.
It’s quite good.
Oh!
Yes, I’ll have that thank you.
Would you like a salad with that perhaps?
Yes please.
And what type of dressing do you prefer?
Hmm.
What is the house dressing?
It’s a little like French.
It’s very good.
All right, I’ll have that… and can you bring me a Bloody Mary?
Another waitress?
Pardon?
Nothing.
It was in poor taste.
I’m sorry sir.
I’ll be right back with your
drink sir.
Excuse me sir, are you waiting for someone?
No, I’m all alone tonight.
Do you think you would mind terribly if I asked you to leave?
WHAT?!?
You mean NOW?
Before I’ve eaten?!?
As soon as possible yes.
Do you mind?
Well of course I mind!
I came here to eat.
If I’d wanted to leave I would have
gone somewhere else!
Right.
Well, I’ve arranged to have your dinner wrapped up for you to take out.
Perhaps you could eat it in your car.
We have a very pretty parking lot;
lots of trees and shrubs.
Yeah, sure.
I just love eating Surf & Turf in my Honda.
It’s the perfect
setting for a take out entrée.
Of course not!
I want to eat my dinner at this
table like everybody else!
Excuse me sir, but nobody else IS eating at this table.
You said you were alone.
HA!
HA!
I bet that one went over great at the legion, are you sure you’re the
host here?
You’d make a great straight man for the comic?
I’m sorry sir, I wasn’t trying to be funny.
Then you’re an idiot!
I meant I wanted to eat HERE at the restaurant!
Why do you want me to leave?
Well sir, as you know, this is a CLASS restaurant.
We try to please our
customers in every way possible… and… to be perfectly frank;
I don’t quite know
how to tell you this… but… I’ve received several complaints about your tie from
the other patrons.
They find it hard to eat their food while you’re here.
You’re joking of course.
I wish I was sir, but I am quite serious.
Now if you would be so kind as to-
NO!
I don’t believe you!
You said you try to please the customer in every way
possible, right?
Yes but-
I’m a customer!
And it may surprise you to realize this, but it does not please
me to be asked to leave and eat my meal in my car.
What pleases me is to have
my meal brought to my table, where I proceed to enjoy it at my own pace!
I can understand that sir.
Obviously, given a choice, I knew you would prefer
to have your meal here, but you must consider my point as well.
You see you are
ONE, and they are SEVERAL.
In a conflict such as this, we must try to please
the most people possible.
That’s common practice.
Majority rules.
I’m sure you understand.
How many complaints did you receive?
26?!
They all hated my tie?
With a passion.
Well, let’s compromise.
I’ll move to a different table where it won’t bother
anyone.
Like over there.
I’m sorry sir, we are totally booked up.
There aren’t any seats in the
restaurant where you won’t be in someone’s view.
Fine.
I’ll take the tie off.
It’s only a gift from my uncle.
It’s not like it
was on my neck permanently.
I don’t really like the tie that much anyway.
There.
(It's off)
Well sir, I’m afraid I’m still going to have to ask you to leave.
WHY???
My tie is out of sight.
I don’t- WAIT A MINUTE!
That man is wearing a
tie exactly like mine!
Why wasn’t he asked to leave?!?
I demand and
explanation!
What’s going on here anyway.
Please let go of me sir, I was about to explain.
I only mentioned your tie so
as not to hurt your feelings.
What really offends people is your… … um.
BELT!
Yes, your belt is terribly ugly!
Everyone hates it.
I actually received 29
complaints, I was trying to be nice by saying 26. I only said your tie because
I didn’t want to upset you.
There!
Okay, you caught me.
I admit it.
It’s your shoes really.
YEECH!
Horrible!
They turn my stomach!
Well???
EGAD!!!
Those SOCKS!!!
Put your shoes back on, QUICK!
I’m afraid your just too
poorly dressed to eat her sir.
You’ll have to leave, no doubt about it.
FINE!!!
I wouldn’t eat here again if you PAID ME!
I don’t know what is going on
here, but I don’t need this kind of treatment.
AND YOUR TIE IS UGLY TOO!!!
Well?
Did you tell him we were out of Surf & Turf?
Wasn’t necessary.
How far did you get?
To the belt.
Darn…