Lyrics A Very Voldemort Christmas - Draco and the Malfoys

A Very Voldemort Christmas

This here is a story that goes back for generations
My daddy told me when I was little
And, and his daddy told him when he was little
And, and well, great-granddad Malfoy told granddad Malfoy when he was little
And, and well heck, this Christmas story goes back as far as there’ve been
Death Eaters themselves!
It’s the story about the time that…
Voldemort stayed up real late so he could visit with Santa Claus
He asked him for a puppy, 'cause Voldemort loves those little paws!
You see, on Christmas eve a long time ago
Littl orphan Voldemort was in his orphan hole down at the orphanage
You see, Voldemort was an orphan
A poor and lonely orphan
He didn’t even have enough money to cobble two sticks together
And he was lonely
Boy, was he lonely!
Nobody loved little old orphan Voldemort
Because noone loves an orphan!
The thing he wanted, more than anything else
Was just a friend
A friend that wouldn’t mind being kicked and punched and spelled on
Because, that’s just the way that little orphan Voldemort played
He didn’t know any better
And what better friend for little orphan Voldemort, than a puppy!
The problem was
There was only one way that little orphan Voldemort could get his puppy
And that was through Santa Claus
So this one particular Christmas eve
Voldemort stayed up really, really late!
Way past his bedtime
So he could meet Santa Claus
He was passing the time by painting rainbows on the backs of ants
And letting them loose in his ant farm
Voldemort had conditioned his ant farm to be violently intolerant towards gay
ants
While he was watching the fun, there arose such a clatter
And then there appeared Santa Claus!
«Ey, it’s-a me, Santa Claus!
Whats’a matter you being up’a so late, huh?»
Said Santa Claus
«Hello, dear Santa Claus!
My name’s Tom Widdle
But my fwiends call me Voldemort!
I weally want a puppy
Can I have a puppy for Chwistmas
Pweatty pwease?»
Said Voldemort
«Ey, what kind of fool do you think I am-a?
You’s a very, very bad boy!
You no get a puppy,»
Said Santa Claus
«Aw, shucks, mister!
But, pweeease?»
Said Voldemort
«Nooo!»
Said Santa Claus
«But, pweeease?»
Said Voldemort
«Nooo!»
Said Santa Claus
«But, but, I wanna tell you something!»
Said Voldemort
«What's the matter?»
Said Santa Claus
«Imperio!»
Just then, little orphan Voldemort’s eyes turned a deep scarlet red
And little Tom Riddle
Entered the mind of Santa Claus
«This is your Dark Lord Voldemort
Put the puppy in the stocking if you wish not to be harmed
If you fail to put the puppy in the stocking, you will be harmed
If you put the puppy in the stocking, you will not be harmed.»
And with a glazed look in his eye
Santa Claus reached into his bag of puppies
Grabbed one and put it in Voldemort’s stocking
«Thank you-a so nice»
Said Santa Claus
«Thanks, mr Santa Cwaus!
Aw, my goodness
My very own puppy!»
And then, with a *poof*
Santa Claus disappeared in a cloud of Christmas cheer
And little orphan Voldemort was left with his puppy
Who he loved and tortured for the rest of his days
And that was the story of how…
Voldemort stayed up real late so he could visit with Santa Claus
He asked him for a puppy, 'cause Voldie just loves those little paws!