| Lonely, unmarried, looking for love
|
| Life was passing me by
|
| So I sent off my photo, hobbies and age;
|
| Magazine marriage I tried
|
| They say for centuries lovely Japanese girls
|
| Have been trained in the art of pleasing men
|
| Be lonely no more, open destiny’s door
|
| For one dollar they arrange a meeting
|
| My image was wrong, I didn’t like me
|
| So I changed my personality
|
| I bought a delux Merseybeat wig
|
| But it was a size too big
|
| What confidence in my new built-up shoes
|
| So smart for winter or summer
|
| Undetectable in normal everyday use
|
| Look out there’s a monster coming!
|
| Bye-bye binoculars and macintosh
|
| Everything is just great
|
| I take elocution, learn to speak posh
|
| But still I can’t find a mate
|
| Be popular, learn to play the guitar
|
| In seven days you could be strumming
|
| Be sociable, learn kissing technique
|
| Look out there’s a monster coming!
|
| Carnaby clothes, I reshaped my nose
|
| Plastic surgery’s best
|
| To cut down my weight off comes my left leg
|
| I pass a swimming costume test
|
| Are my sideboards too long
|
| Don’t my aftershave pong?
|
| I know my new nose ain’t runnin'
|
| What’s wrong with my tie?
|
| Am I getting too high?
|
| Look out there’s a monster coming!
|
| Disfiguring and ugly, my facial hair
|
| I had removed electrically
|
| I rejuvenated my energy cells
|
| And regained my virility (grunt grunt)
|
| (He put my hand on my heart?)
|
| (I am changing the part?)
|
| He had a machine for a mummy
|
| Please be gentle with me:
|
| I come to pieces literally
|
| Look out there’s a monster coming!
|
| Look out there’s a monster coming!
|
| Look out there’s a monster coming!
|
| (…fade) |